I haven't updated this blog in a LONG time. I can typically be found most days at my style blog, A Working Mom's Closet, but this isn't at all style related AND it's rather whiny...but I needed to get it out. Since there aren't very many followers, I'm hoping the small group of you will oblige me in my little pity party. Or you can just delete the post because I'm pretty sure it's not interesting to anyone (including me, but I just need to vent)!
Life has not been easy lately. My husband and I separated and our divorce became final on December 20th. I've been living in my parents living room (although I must point out that they've added doors to it so I do have some privacy!). A few days later on New Year's Eve, I took my cat to the vet for some blood tests but he ended up not even making it through the night. A couple more days after that, a very, very sweet friend of mine, Jamie, lost her battle with leukemia. Then just last week I had another emergency that I won't go into that resulted in me owing my parents a big chunk of money.
I've been trying to keep up with the style blogging world but it seems like I just don't have as much time to make the connections and relationships, so while everyone else is growing their blog and making friends and linking to each other and partnering up to work on things together and featuring people...I'm not really doing any of it. I haven't been interviewed or featured or asked to partner in anything, and I'm certainly not feeling creative enough to come up with new ideas right now.
There are things happening in circles of friends and I'm being left out of these plans and conversations and it's making me feel a little poopy.
I've had a really difficult time with God lately. I know that He forgives me. I know that He loves me. But I feel like I don't deserve any of it, and I feel like every bad thing that happens to me is because I deserve bad things. I feel like I shouldn't pray for anything because I don't deserve good things right now.
But then He tells a friend to send me a text message out of the blue this morning. And as I'm reading my blogroll today I see that a lot of my favorite bloggers have linked to me in their Friend Friday post as one of their favorite blogs with the most authenticity. Another blogger friend sent me an entirely random email just to tell me that she thinks I'm doing a great job with my blog and she's happy to see my success in it, and the best part of today? When my daughter called me back into her room after she'd gone to bed because she wanted to pray, and in her prayer she said, "Thank you God for making my mommy."
I don't mean to throw myself pity parties. They're not fun. But thank God that even through my whining, I'm still able to see His hand in these little things, the texts, the emails, my daughter, everything, telling me that I'm not disconnected from Him even if I feel like I am sometimes. He's still there and He will always be there.
I really thought this post was going to just be all moaning. I'm so glad that God showed up to turn it around.
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Hey, I subscribed to this blog too, but I just now saw this post!! You are totally one of the most authentic bloggers out there!! Very sorry to hear about the cat... its not easy to lose a pet. And I was also sorry to hear about your friend passing as well.
ReplyDeleteSometimes you need to vent too. So I understand that. As for my own blog, I don't know if this is helpful at all, but the past few years have been rough for me... its hard to talk about, partially because so many different, frustrating, and even bad things have happened. The end result, is that I started a blog as an outlet for something that has been... a complicated part of my life for a long time, and its helping me recover and get back on track. And again, while I don't talk much about religion, it plays a serious role in why I do some of the things I do. And anyway... I just thought I would share, and I hope it helps. :)
"No Matter What" by Kerrie Roberts popped into my head after reading this post. It helped me get through a challenging time and brought me closer to God. I hope that it brings you a little hope as well :)
ReplyDeleteI’m running back to your promises one more time, Lord that’s all I can hold on to, I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises you. Before a heartache can ever touch my life, it has to go through Your hands, and even though I, keep asking why, I keep asking why...
No matter what, I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You, I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not,if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what, no matter what....
When I’m stuck in this nothing-ness by myself, I’m just sitting in silence, there’s no way I can make it without Your help, I wont even try it. I know You have Your reasons for everything, so I will keep believing, whatever I might be feeling, God you are my hope, and you'll be my strength....