Searching for Balance

When I found out I was pregnant...well, let's just say I was DUMB.  I had zero expectations.  I didn't have any idea how much I was going to love my little girl.  Although to be honest, if I had an expectation I'm sure my reality would far exceed it!

I had no idea how difficult it was going to be for me to get up at all hours of the night to feed her.  

I had no clue how it was going to hurt to listen to her cry as I worked to get her onto a schedule.  Yeah, it hurt but boy am I grateful that she's been sleeping through the night in her own room since she was five weeks old.  

Most of all, I didn't expect to miss her as much as I do when I'm at work.  It's horrible.  To be honest, when I was working with Wally at the church - in my most favorite job EVER with my most favorite boss EVER - I thought about her a lot and missed her, but I didn't resent my job because I enjoyed it so much.  I had the opportunity to be in ministry, in music; to pray, worship, laugh, plan, design and administrate. My job was FUN.  My boss was FUN and relaxed and had so much faith and trust in me and my work.  I miss that job.  It allowed me so much more time with my daughter because of the "weird" hours of the position.  

Then the church laid off 25% of the staff (which - surprise! - included me) and I had to find another position as quickly as possible.  

I'm grateful that I've found a job - but it's nothing like my ministry position that I loved so dearly.  My current boss is the complete polar opposite of my former boss, in every way .  My job takes away so much time that I used to have with my girl.  

I still haven't quite found the balance between working a 40-hour week outside the home and being a mom, and a housekeeper, and a wannabe face painter who doesn't have time to practice.  Not to mention a wife, a friend, a daughter.

There are weekends when I feel like I just want to stay home and rest - but then I feel guilty when she wants to go play with sidewalk chalk and I just don't feel like doing anything.  

There are other weekends when I have so much to do - I have to practice for this face painting gig, or I have tons of laundry to do, or I have to clean because guests are coming over.  Then I feel super, super guilty because she watches The Little Mermaid twice in one day.

Other weekends, all I do is focus on her.  We go to Disney, or Universal, or the park...and then I wonder if I'm not giving her too much attention and turning her into the stereotypical "only child."  

I'm pulled in so many directions and I have so many questions about which way to go for this situation or that situation.  

I didn't have many expectations when I found out I was pregnant.  But I kind of figured that by the time she was two, I'd have some sort of balance to my life.

I feel as though because I work so much and rarely see her Monday-Thursday, on Fridays and weekends my focus should be solely on her.  Then I feel bad because the rest of my  housework isn't getting done, or friends aren't getting the attention they need - laundry's not done, floors aren't clean.  But if I do anything away from her when I'm at home, I feel like I'm a bad mom because I don't have that much time with her to begin with.  It's SO hard for me to go out on a girls' night, or go out with friends, or go on a date with my husband, because I feel like I can't bear to be away from her.  If only I could find a way to stay home with her, or work from home, then I would feel okay to give up some of my time with her.  I just don't want to give up any time with her.

I need to find a balance between work, housekeeping, parenting, and living in general.  But where to start?