you should probably sit down for this...

I've had a realization...an epiphany, if you will.

I am not SuperMom.

I am not Superwoman.

I most certainly am not God. You'd better be grateful for that one, because if I WAS God...well let's just not even imagine that. God is good. Me, not so much.

Anyway...

All of that to say that in my never-ending quest to make sure everything turns out well and people think my child is the most well-behaved and advanced and that those things must make me SuperMommy, I've made myself miserable.

I really have lived my entire life looking for approval. Approval of my parents (who have always, always expressed their appreciation and pride), approval of my teachers, my classmates, my friends, approval of my family and family-in-law and approval of my bosses and co-workers.

I have this innate need for people to like me.

I don't know why. Maybe it's the fact that for some odd reason, I've always been friends with the people who are cuter, thinner, smarter and more talented than I am. At least that's how I've always seen it. I can clearly remember one time when my best friend and I (sometime in middle school) were practicing a song on the school bus ("A Whole New World", no less) and someone actually told me to be quiet and let her sing.

Yeah. Seriously. And to think that I still like to sing and have actually done it professionally. Clearly it didn't scar me for life but it made a distinct impression on me and I just can't shake that memory. I constantly compare myself to my "singer friends" and feel like I'm the worst of them all.

My older brother used to call me a heifer. It didn't bother me...until I found out that a heifer was a COW!!! Suddenly it had a whole new meaning. I can't blame him for my self-esteem issues just because of that one name, although there are times when I'd like to, just to have someone to blame.

Speaking of blaming...that kind of goes hand-in-hand with the whole control issue - the whole reason for this post. I've come to realize that when things aren't going my way, I need to blame someone. Typically my husband (sorry Pat!).

For example: the other day when I was putting the baby in her car seat, I was getting all sticky and sweaty and gross because this is Florida and it's probably over 100° in that car. My immediate reaction was to be annoyed and in order to be annoyed, you have to have someone to be annoyed with. Well, my husband has back problems and it's not easy for him to lean over and twist this way and that to strap the baby into her seat, so I do it when we're together - which made my obvious subject of irritation HIM! And after a second or two I realized, holy geez...I'm trying to find a reason to be angry with him because I'm annoyed and I need a target.

Whose fault was it that I ended up getting sweaty and gross? No one's. Whose fault was it that I had to put her in the car seat? No one's.

I sat there for a minute letting it all sink in. Then I made a decision. I'm not going to be upset over things that I can't control anymore. I'm not going to look for someone to blame just because I'm not happy about the way things turned out.

I would really LOVE for my daughter to be potty-trained in a day. Can I control whether or not that happens? NOPE. So then, my only other choice is to do my best and whenever she is trained is whenever she is trained. I would rather be relaxed, calm and happy until she's three or four or however long it takes, than to be ticked off, disappointed, angry and resentful. If it's going to take a long time, I'd rather be happy for that long time. So I'm going to choose to be happy.

If she pees on the floor, whose fault is it? Not hers. She's not potty trained yet. Is it mine? NOPE. So then, the only other choice is to clean it up, give her LOTS of hugs and kisses and tell her that we'll try again next time.

I can't control her bladder, or her brain. I can only do my best. And I have GOT to stop worrying about whether or not my friends think I'm a horrible mother because my child *still* isn't potty trained. I need to worry about nothing - but focus on honoring God by raising my child according to His standards and no one else's.

We have a lot to get done, this week in particular but in the next several months as well. We have grocery shopping, bills, cleaning, laundry, packing, events coming up that require money but things we'll need to buy for the condo as well.

Can I control how much our employers pay us? NOPE. But I can control what we spend our money on (outside of our current bills). And if we don't have much left for anything outside of our current bills (or if we don't even have enough to pay our current bills), will I be able to make money for those other things by being angry? I don't think so.

Last time I checked, Angry Person #1 wasn't a lucrative career.

So if we don't have money to go out to eat, or to do anything fun, will I make my family's lives more enjoyable by being angry the entire time we're couped up in our house together? If we don't have the money to do fun things outside of the house, then I don't want to make our time together in the house miserable. I can't control the end result; I can only do my best and be proud of my good choices.

Yes, I'm FAT. But I'm doing my best and I can't control anything beyond my own eating and exercise habits. I don't want my daughter to have the same weight complex that I have. I want her to see that mommy eats healthy (uh...most of the time) and exercises (um...usually) and is comfortable with her choices when there is weight loss or when there isn't.

So for everyone who believed that I can make it rain, or turn red lights green, or potty-train children in an hour, or dodge a speeding bullet...I'm so sorry to burst your bubble.

I'm just another one of God's children, stumbling along like everyone else, making mistakes...and trying to learn from them.

I'm just going to do my best, and be content with what God does with it. Because after all, it's His approval that matters, and His purposes that need to be accomplished. God IS good, ALL the time.